How do you say..

Time to get everything sorted out and hit play for the day :

For the time to start checking on the notifications that keep ringing and alerting the phone screen with “blanks name, or it’s time, Rise and grind or my favorite… wyd”.

How do you say…

I feel like I’ve outgrown my dreams and want to settle down?

How do you say,

Oh by the way I’ve been sleeping around trying to escape from the loneliness that whispers in my ear and reminds me of the graceful elegance my past used to dance with me under the sheets

and maybe just maybe I contracted something that wasn’t there before?

Is it an STD, or god forbid… feelings? genuine feeling of raw passion and delight that haven’t spoken to me in quite some time and it would be better to throw a pillow over it and tell it to to shut up.

How do you say,

hey mom and dad I only got $7 to my name but if I could write you a check for all those times you believed in me, were my coach in the ring, and my valiant defender there would be infinite zeros where I wouldn’t believe the richest man could even hand it over.

How do you say,

I need this raise because I deserve it, I’m worth it, take a chance on me and don’t doubt my capability to shine and mold diamonds from the ruble you had underneath your feet.

Let me strive for the glorious uncertainty to discover new terrains and humbly rejoice when my sacrifices build mountains .

How do you say,

I’m tired of the corruption that eats away the spirit, because it’s easier to make a hundred selling and dealing to an addict that has no control over the demons that keep him awake from sleep?

How do you say,

I’m tired. I’m tired of waking up and burning the candle down to the wick to make ends meet while the country around wants to build walls and close off the light of Hope it is suppose to carry.

How do you say,

Don’t forget to spread a kind word, give a little more when you don’t have any, and always fight for love,

when those outside your arena are chanting from their stands for you to leave and never come back.

How about you tell them…

That out there are people who clock in at the buzzing and ringing of a notification that says there is an emergency , you got to go, and they can’t hit snooze or say just 5 more minutes.

How about you tell them …

I feel in love once and after my heart shattered into pieces the best recollection I understood of love was the piercing delight that crept up my legs because it’s easier to physically lay there and have a carnal sensation then allow the idea of happily ever after to even hint a possibility.

How about you tell them..

One day all those zeros will turn to thousands and the loans you acquired will have a thank you for your business and a congratulations in the end.

That your mother and father can rest easy and smile from the little house they always said they wanted but couldn’t afford until you hand over the key and said this is for you for taking care of me.

How about you tell them,

That change is coming.

That hope is the gladiator that picks up a sword and stumbles in the darkest battle to victory.

You tell them,

That walls won’t halt immigration.

People put up walls when they are afraid and it’s time for us to come together to build up our kindness, to build up our concern for one another

to live better

be better,

build for a better tomorrow.

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I’m a runner

I fled when I couldn’t dare to breath after the final good bye was said; the last uttered words of I don’t love you anymore past your lips.

I leaped through to packing, and hurdled through the memories that were created to just run away from it all.

I ran to other states where love resonated with sweet ” I do’s” and I ran towards brilliant sunsets cast on new terrains and mountains.

I ran away from what you gave me, that overpowering desire to please you, to give you my everything. Until I ran out of pieces to give.

So I ran…

I ran from your name,

I ran from our memories ,

I ran to escape from a broken heart.

I ran to a place unsettled and caged between the depths of despair and void.

I ran to a place where my damaged heart was too numb to recall what it felt to smile and dance.

I ran from the music that used to make my heart skip a beat and

I ran from all recollections of what it felt like to be wanted.

Until, I finally ran towards the lavish green mountains where my heart stopped to just love me for a moment.

I ran towards the love I thought I would never regain…

I ran for me.

2am

It’s 2am right now

And as I try and close my eyes

All I think about is you

Your big wide smile

Your full lips

Your soft brown eyes

That disguised too many lies

I still remember the way you fell asleep

The way you laughed and covered your teeth

The way you held me down

The way you knew how to let me finish

The way you said nao

I don’t understand why this happens to me

At 2am

When all I should do

Is find new ways to forget you

For your deception

For your dismay

For stringing me along the way

It’s 2am

What a tease

I remember when at this time

We were fucking

We were laughing

We were navigating new thrills

I was dreaming with you

At 2am

At first sight- again

Pause.

Deep breath….

It’s you again, a face I swore I’ll never see but there you are once more just casually walking through the door.

A mere coincidence..

I saw you, you saw me.. And just like that my heart aches all over

Almost a year- it’s been almost a year to this day when you let me go, said good bye and never turned back to plea and fight thru.

Love killed me you know, it filled my soul with just you. My actions , my passion, my drive was in hoping to conquer the world with you. I don’t think you will ever know how truly in love I was.

There you were, just like I remembered and I swear if I was alone I’d run past the door, scream curse and cry because I know you let me go, a long time ago.

I took a deep breath, my stomach turned, my heart leaped, my head spun.. And you never uttered a word : but me…. My words were all lumped up and dying inside.

I can finally say good bye to you, your face, your memories, all the dreams connected to your name, at last I can peacefully say,  good bye.

Be brave, be strong, and don’t let the tears fall just yet… I only have 16 steps left – 1 to turn away, 2 -14 in moving to the door, and finally wishing you the best in your life.

I wouldn’t ever wish pain to you, remember I loved you the most… But at first sight again -you are finally just a memory.

When they told you so

They warned you,

their words echoed at the back of your mind..

Be careful ,

don’t give him too much of your time.

Slow down,

wait a while,

maybe you should ease into it somehow.

Don’t kiss him…

Okay maybe once,

Don’t let him come too close

Oh but the way

he squeezed your thighs ..

And the way he knows how to make

That shutter come up your spine.

Maybe you should say stop.

It’s dangerous

To fall in love too soon.

Don’t forget

Your friends told you so.

Forgiveness

I’ve forgiven you countless times,

laid out excuses almost by memory now

to the turmoil you may have caused.

For abandoning the ones you loved

to set out for adventures far beyond the seas,

for dismissing your expectations

and investing on only things people dream.

I forgive you,

For not putting yourself first

and allowing others to cloud your sense

and saying I love you too often.

I forgive you for being

Broken

Stubborn

Free

and most importantly

Selfless in love.

For running towards dreams

and casting aside fears.

I forgive you for

not being perfect in your

Body

Spirit

Mind

I’ll forgive you until the end of time

for bringing me

Here.

To where I cry

And say

Thank you,

For loving yourself

and forgiving yourself

A little more each time.

Tick tock

The time approaches

When all things end

Desire

Fear

Companionship

The sheets that soaked you up

The fragrance of your passing

The longing of your touch

The taste you left on my lips

Tick tock.

There goes the clock,

Rushing past us with urgency

To get us through tomorrow

Halting the hasty need to hit pause

Hitting repeat when you don’t want it to stop

Tick tock.

I think I’ve learned the lesson

The one that resonates from dreams

The intoxicating desire to flee

The one that leads me

Back in time,

When the whisper of your name doesn’t sting

You remember don’t you?

The one that began when the clock said

Tick tock

#poetry #love #time #writersthoughts

The wounds that burn

I’ve choose it yet again,

to walk through flames knowing it could burn.

I choose to play with fire,

the enticing inviting fire

that spurred and enchanted me with words

They trickled down into my soul.

Empty words with no action to prove

what it wanted to create,

damn that fire was a work of havoc.

Alas the flames

that crept up through my skin

were fun

for a while until it burned.

It engulfed my kindness,

it tore down my patience,

it charred my compassion

Oh, damn those flames;

the alluring nature that held my gaze,

the twist and pull that brought me

Closer

to burn these wounds upon my heart.

It scorched me..

he burned me

That tyrant caused a rage upon me,

Tears raining down my face

I’m trying to reach for air

but the flames consume me.

The flames come for me in my dreams, they halt me to a stop.

The fire that sprung my heart some joy,

wrecked madness all around

With lies that came unbound,

with false expectations,

and alienating tactics to point the finger away to blame.

The fire knew who I was

and recognized my disability.

I trusted too fondly on the kindness of strangers,

and dancing

to the sweet tune of promised words.

Was a lover of harmony and security,

oh this fire could tear through me easily.

I’ve walked through the carnage of my own creation. for the freedom of loving an untamable nature, the fire of desire.

Here I lay abandoned, reaching for the skies and crying why? Checking on my body and searching for remnants of survivors

But;

I’m left with scars instead.

Three

I’ve been obsessed with numbers for as long as I can remember. I sear dates into my memory like a bad habit until one day they fully disappear from mind.

Ultimately though it’s been three days since I’ve seen your name pop on my screen, it’s been three days of pushing back the tears, it’s been three days that I’ve been praying to be stronger.

I’ve always been the worst at letting go. It’s agonizing the twists and turmoil I play in my head, the illustrations and passages of what should of or could have been said.

Three. Can you imagine my complaining at a mere single digit number.. but for me three is big. It was already three years since the last time my heart beat this fast. It was the third time that my soul opened up, truly honestly freely unleashed itself from its realm.

Most importantly though it’s been three days since the day that I’m still hoping you’d apologize and say it was all a mistake, let’s be friends even for one more day.