At first sight- again

Pause.

Deep breath….

It’s you again, a face I swore I’ll never see but there you are once more just casually walking through the door.

A mere coincidence..

I saw you, you saw me.. And just like that my heart aches all over

Almost a year- it’s been almost a year to this day when you let me go, said good bye and never turned back to plea and fight thru.

Love killed me you know, it filled my soul with just you. My actions , my passion, my drive was in hoping to conquer the world with you. I don’t think you will ever know how truly in love I was.

There you were, just like I remembered and I swear if I was alone I’d run past the door, scream curse and cry because I know you let me go, a long time ago.

I took a deep breath, my stomach turned, my heart leaped, my head spun.. And you never uttered a word : but me…. My words were all lumped up and dying inside.

I can finally say good bye to you, your face, your memories, all the dreams connected to your name, at last I can peacefully say,  good bye.

Be brave, be strong, and don’t let the tears fall just yet… I only have 16 steps left – 1 to turn away, 2 -14 in moving to the door, and finally wishing you the best in your life.

I wouldn’t ever wish pain to you, remember I loved you the most… But at first sight again -you are finally just a memory.

The wounds that burn

I’ve choose it yet again,

to walk through flames knowing it could burn.

I choose to play with fire,

the enticing inviting fire

that spurred and enchanted me with words

They trickled down into my soul.

Empty words with no action to prove

what it wanted to create,

damn that fire was a work of havoc.

Alas the flames

that crept up through my skin

were fun

for a while until it burned.

It engulfed my kindness,

it tore down my patience,

it charred my compassion

Oh, damn those flames;

the alluring nature that held my gaze,

the twist and pull that brought me

Closer

to burn these wounds upon my heart.

It scorched me..

he burned me

That tyrant caused a rage upon me,

Tears raining down my face

I’m trying to reach for air

but the flames consume me.

The flames come for me in my dreams, they halt me to a stop.

The fire that sprung my heart some joy,

wrecked madness all around

With lies that came unbound,

with false expectations,

and alienating tactics to point the finger away to blame.

The fire knew who I was

and recognized my disability.

I trusted too fondly on the kindness of strangers,

and dancing

to the sweet tune of promised words.

Was a lover of harmony and security,

oh this fire could tear through me easily.

I’ve walked through the carnage of my own creation. for the freedom of loving an untamable nature, the fire of desire.

Here I lay abandoned, reaching for the skies and crying why? Checking on my body and searching for remnants of survivors

But;

I’m left with scars instead.

Three

I’ve been obsessed with numbers for as long as I can remember. I sear dates into my memory like a bad habit until one day they fully disappear from mind.

Ultimately though it’s been three days since I’ve seen your name pop on my screen, it’s been three days of pushing back the tears, it’s been three days that I’ve been praying to be stronger.

I’ve always been the worst at letting go. It’s agonizing the twists and turmoil I play in my head, the illustrations and passages of what should of or could have been said.

Three. Can you imagine my complaining at a mere single digit number.. but for me three is big. It was already three years since the last time my heart beat this fast. It was the third time that my soul opened up, truly honestly freely unleashed itself from its realm.

Most importantly though it’s been three days since the day that I’m still hoping you’d apologize and say it was all a mistake, let’s be friends even for one more day.

Press fast forward

I’ve come at the point where I wish I could hit fast forward.

My mind escapes to the time where love awoke me and set me to sleep. Where laughter was constant and lingering eyes took my breath away. 

Then I hit stop. Paused there for everlasting moments and hoped and prayed they would return but they didn’t.

Came to pass play and found myself lost in the abundance of hurt, worry, and finally anger. It crept on me gazing for the opportunity to take me under its bite. I was angry at wishing on stars that were too far away to listen. I was angry when you visited me in my dreams and I couldn’t kiss you. I was angry at not recognizing myself to be strong enough and let you go- I hate myself for this .

It’s coming now, the changing of the seasons . How the leaves go from green to burnt orange to red or yellow and they fall off the branches and crunch down to the floor. They wither and wait for the coming of the storm, the icy temperatures drop and all of sudden comes the snow. I wait here in the snow. 

All of a sudden, there is a stillness in my heart. An eerie recollection of of loniliness and pain. The harsh reality that  with the changing seasons comes winter, where everything I hoped to find has you no where nearby.

If I could hit fast forward , I dream of the day that your name doesn’t escape my lips, your distance plays no worries, but mostly your memory is a blur in which I can only find if I decided to hit play.

Recollections of your passing

Fragments of you have entered my heart and mind again. Like pieces of a torn letter that you wish to never re read. The tearing ,shredding , confused and quicken state was easier to manage then the uncertainty.

Here I am again, telling myself to close my eyes and go to sleep but in slow desperation I’m hoping to see your name appear through the screen.

Fragments of you still manage to slip inside the cracks of my heart, morphing to slide right through and tangle me all apart.

I guess I’m just weak and forgiving, for allowing your fragments to return.

A year Ago

A year ago I danced with you among your family, I got lost in your eyes and stole kisses from you from time to time.

I doubt you remember what I carry with me when I close my eyes and try to forget.

A year ago we were happy, you loved me then and now … 

You don’t love me today like you loved me before, you’re probably laughing and enjoying the company of someone else, someone who kisses you in a way without having to hide.

A year ago… Imagine what a year can do.

It breaks you when you are weak, it compiles wonder and fear, it can make you wish you couldn’t look back on a year.

I wish I could freeze it and move on, I wish I didn’t cry when I say or hear your name, I wish I could look toward a year and not dread remembering that last year … was the happiest I ever been.

A year ago.

Love is the Sum

I am new to finding the path of words.. This however is a lovely summary of where I wish to be. I wish I had the grace that can flow from my mind such as this individual, and I admire it very much. This was a great read!

Day Sixty-Five: The Other Side Of A Broken Heart

Reposting this work. There is another side to a broken heart, the after -the journey to a new start. Thank you for your words, I’m so happy I came upon them today.

“My Dormancy”

Just read this post and it was powerful and almost… In a way relatable. There are people we are going to meet in our lives good and bad and all sorts of differences will come from each experience. But the one we are waiting for we haven’t met just yet. Great poem I very much enjoyed it!

Words Arranged in Disorder.

I know a girl or two.

There’s the girl that will dance.

She will mend your withering bones,

and deduct the sticks from the stones

But the teal and black

will always bring memories back.

There’s the girl that will lie.

Your adolescent hand

held tighter by a broken rubber band.

The queen of “would-be”

indifferently using your insecurity

as a blunt tool of jealousy.

There’s a girl who will give you hope.

Indirectly teaching you everything

while transforming your dreams

into bits of meaningless string.

The apathy with every rainy night,

the cracked fingernails and

every hollowed-out fight.

There’s a girl who will actually care.

She’ll  waltz and she’ll swing

and her open wounds will sing.

A hand to help open the cocoon-

the glowsticks that lit up

the unyielding light of the moon.

There’s a girl that will tease.

Opening her scabby heart,

taking a hit,

and a…

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How Do we Learn About Love?

A great read to pass along 🙂

Opportunities, Choices, and Life Lessons

To love takes courage.

It takes courage to share ourselves. When we share ourselves, we trust. When we trust, we share part of ourselves and hearts that another person could betray and hurt. It is a possibility, yes. But with that risk comes the possibility of a reward to connect with the person who could truly touch us to the depths of our soul. To trust another opens the possibilities for a true connection.

Love does not concern itself with burden. Love does not think of trouble. Love attempts what others thought were beyond its strength. Love does not plead any excuse for the impossible.

Although it sometimes get weary, it does not complain of tiredness. Although it’s pressured, it does not give way. Although challenged, it does not give up and quit.

Love does not make demands, or claims for what it owns. Love does not believe in ownership…

View original post 79 more words