I wish

I thought I knew what it was to cry a lifetime,

I thought I knew what it meant to feel hopeless, lost, and done.

But I’ve shed more tears in anguish and disappear then I ever did with my heart being broken by someone who said “I love you” once before.

I feared the uncertainty of getting a call that a responder would say ” dead on sight, unidentified body, or worst the description matches”.

How can your life go from Hallmark to 48 hours documentary in a snap of a finger? I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Instead I wished on blowing out candles, I wished on first time trials and errors that grace you when you reach a birthday..

But never this.

I didn’t wish for the volcano of emotions ready to burst, or the helplessness of my family being the reason that gathered us together, or the drop in the pit of my stomach each time the phone rang- no never this.

I thought falling in love and being told “I don’t love you anymore” was the worst thing I could ever feel. But I look at my brother and a new sensation creeps on me and it’s surreal.

I would do anything to take his pain away, I would graciously lend out a hand and tell him “everything will be alright”. But this world is compiled of choices and how people make them, there’s no controlling them to make a decision none want to do.

Here I am on my 31st year, and all my wishes have changed, today I wish for courage- patience- and comfort to carry through our hearts and spark a seed of hope that tomorrow will be better than these last days that have past.

Next year I’ll wish … for love to never do this again. To be stronger at making choices not out of fear but out of logic, I’ll wish to hold my mom and dad a little closer and to learn how to make my brother laugh, I’ll wish for joy to the ones who call me to wish me happy birthday.

I’ll wish to not be afraid of love and the mess it seems to bring along.